Rubber Spiders with a Dash of Smirk
by Evil Temptress
Summary: Written by myself and Witch of the Snitch, a 'Once Upon A Time' kind of story, let's see what happens when a slash and non-slash writer battle it out to make the story go their way...those poor boys..
1. Default Chapter

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter, rubber spiders, or my mobile phone, my mummy does^_~ V Warnings: no slash yet, but it's coming! Um, insults, nothing much else. Explanation: This story is being written by both myself and Witch of the Snitch, we're writing it like that game 'Once Upon A Time', I will write the first chapter, Witch the second and so on. ^_^ I am a slash writer, an avid slash writer *wink*, Witch is definitely anti-slash and definitely won't be pairing Harry with Draco, which is what I'll be trying to do.those poor, poor boys.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Rubber Spiders with a Dash of Smirk.~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
It was early in the morning of the Parents' Weekend at Hogwarts: School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, and students of all ages were running around to get their rooms clean and ready for parental inspection.  
  
There were two young wizards who weren't readying themselves to face the onslaught of relatives though, they were instead in their house locker room cleaning their broomsticks for the Gryffindor/Slytherin match coming up on the following Thursday. Well.one was cleaning the other was watching the broomstick admirably and digging through his locker. Which would turn out to be a bad idea.for who knows what horrors and dangers lurk in a boy's locker.and who knew.the consequences of digging in one's locker so early on a weekend morn.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!"  
  
A young teenage wizard fell backwards from his locker and tripped over a bench right behind him, overturning it and landing on his butt, plus one bruise and minus one set of dignity. Almost immediately turning as red as his hair for two reasons.one;  
  
Guy + high-pitched scream = potential for many sessions of major ragging  
  
And two; .  
  
"Ron.it's a rubber spider." Harry held up the villain responsible for Ron's.mildly shocked state, and grinned at him. He wouldn't laugh at Ron. Ron was his best friend. Ron would be embarrassed enough without having his best friend laugh at him.*snort*.well, maybe he wouldn't mind a chuckle or two.  
  
In less than a second The Boy Who Lived became The Boy Who Rolled Around The Floor Holding His Stomach Laughing Hysterically At His Best Friend's Highly Embarrassing Moment.  
  
"Oh God.Ron *gasp*.I.can't.believe you.fell.something like.that!" Harry choked out between chortles.  
  
Ron, who was still recovering from his scare, looked at Harry glumly. "Not funny. You know I hate spiders, and besides, it kind of looked like Aragog."  
  
Harry looked at him quizzically, "You mean minus the 8 or so foot height Aragog had compared to the inch or so of this little guy?" said Harry, holding up the eight-legged rubber perpetrator.  
  
"."  
  
Harry grinned again, "Git."  
  
"Am not!"  
  
"Are too!"  
  
"Am not!"  
  
"Are too!"  
  
Despite the wounded indignation Ron was displaying, a sparkle of laughter was starting to appear in his eyes and the corners of his mouth were beginning to turn up. At least, they were beginning to before both Harry and Ron heard a voice that plagued their very existence drawl through the door at them.  
  
"Well, well.Potter and Weasley, my two favourite sights for this early in the morning, I trust you'll excuse me if the invasion the two of you are waging on my retina may cause me to throw up."  
  
Both young wizards winced at the thought of handling a most likely caffeine- high Malfoy at this hour of the day, and turned to find said caffeine-high Malfoy leaning against the doorframe of the Locker room smirking at them. He looked at the spider Harry was holding, Ron's still pale face, and the turned over bench in line with Ron's feet and his smirk increased in watts.or whatever the measurement for smirks was.  
  
"So Weasley, I see you've been attacked early today. Wonder who you pissed off this time, by the look of that," another smirk, had he ever stopped? "rather dangerous looking piece of rubber merchandise you must have had quite a fright."  
  
Ron narrowed his eyes at Malfoy, "I better not find out that you had anything to do with this Malfoy, or."  
  
"Or what, Weasley?" drawled Malfoy, "Believe me, the mere agony that thatch of badly kept straw masquerading as hair is causing my stomach will be enough punishment for anyone's lifetime."  
  
Harry grabbed Ron by the elbows as he lunged towards Malfoy, intent on ripping Malfoy's own hair out of his head. For some reason Harry thought this may not be a good idea.  
  
Malfoy's eyes lit up in amusement, watching Weasley attempt to kill him was providing suitable entertainment, 'Silly Weasel, he should know better than to think he could over-power a Seeker, I'd love to stay and watch how long it'll take before he realizes he's not stronger than Potter, although I do believe this may the best time to make my dignified exit.before Potter decides to 'accidentally' let Ron go.'  
  
Malfoy pushed himself off the doorframe with cat-like grace and bowed to the still struggling Gryffindor do-gooders,  
  
"I bid you two." Draco smirked, trying to find a suitable description, "lackwits goodbye and I hope you are able to find your own way to the Great Hall without guidance, and Weasley," Ron glowered at Malfoy, "I look forward to meeting the rest of your poverty-stricken, in-bred family."  
  
Malfoy sauntered off, probably to find some more innocent bystanders to torment.  
  
Harry stopped restraining Ron, and put an arm around his shoulders, giving him a sympathetic look. "Don't worry Ron, just keep repeating in your head 'Some people are only alive because it's illegal to kill them', maybe it'll make you feel better"  
  
Ron pursed his lips, "How is reminding myself that I can't kill Malfoy supposed to make me feel better? I'd much rather be telling myself 'there's a few hundred deadly chemicals in Snape's office that I'll be picking up later today that can be used in a fatal manner pertaining to Malfoy', now there's something that'll make me feel better."  
  
Harry shook his head, grinning. "Well, I've got a better idea.I hear Crookshanks has developed a definite objection to all things too brightly coloured, with Malfoy's hair he should make a pretty obvious target should Crookshanks 'accidentally' escapes from Herm's room."  
  
Ron brightened up, "You know, I read in some Muggle book that if you put masking tape over a door's catch it won't close properly? Wonder if Crookshanks is smart enough to figure what to do from there."  
  
Harry watched Ron wander off, presumably in the direction of the Gryffindor Common room, mumbling to himself about masking tape and asking Dean about Irish hit men.  
  
'Somehow' thought Harry, 'I get the feeling today is going to be a really interesting day.'  
  
  
  
Please Review!!! And look out for the new chapter by Witch of the Snitch! 


	2. And a dash of smirk

**Note from Evil Temptress:** Ok here is the second chapter, written by Witch of the Snitch, and just as a point to some people who are probably going to notice this, for some odd reason she put in Lavender using an electric toothbrush, and even though I told her and she admits that witches and wizards in Hogwarts don't use electricity, she insists on keeping it in there…don't ask me^_^;      Enjoy!                                                                                                                                  

**Author's Note: **Ok, now it's MY turn. *snigger snigger* 

**Disclaimer: **Evil Temptress and I are using JK Rowling's characters and ideas, so PLEASE DON'T SUE US FOR IT!

Rubber Spiders with a Dash of Smirk: 

Second chapter by Witch of the Snitch

Hermione carefully picked up Crookshanks from her Charms papers lying on her bed, and moved him to the chest of drawers. "Look at the mess you've made!" she exclaimed as she brushed the orange hairs off her assignment. Crookshanks paid no attention and curled up in his new position, producing a very loud purr that drowned out the sound of Lavendar's electric toothbrush. 

Hermione carried her creased papers into the small adjoining bathroom (A/Nnew structure?), and held them up for Lavendar to see. "Do you think I should redo it?" she said.

Lavendar turned off her toothbrush, and muffledly replied while trying to hold the toothpaste and saliva in her mouth, "Hermione, why are you bothering to ask me? You're going to write it all out again whether I say you should or not. Now, how do I look?" She spat the toothpaste out (A/Nyes, you really needed to know that…) and patted the back of her head. 

"Winston will love you," Hermione said. Lavendar was getting ready to meet her boyfriend's parents, but that was three hours away. 

Suddenly there came a knock at the door and a "Can I come in?" 

The girls glanced at eachother, then Hermione said "Ok, Ron." She walked back into the main dormitory. The door swung open and Ron came in bright and cheery. He spotted Crookshanks on top of the drawers, and exclaimed, "Aah, Crookshanks. Just the ….thing I wanted to see." However he backed off waringly when the cat let out a hiss and drew back its ears. So Ron proceeded to the bed and plonked down on the pillows. But he was yet to get comfortable, because he shuffled his weight around a bit, and pulled out a little rubber spider figure from behind him. He stared at it and pulled a face, then flicked it halfway across the room. 

"Ron!" Hermione protested. 

"What!?" he whinged.

But before Hermione could give him a reason, Harry entered the room.

"Hi Harry," she greeted him. "Are you free for lunch? – because my parents want to take us on a little picnic together."

"Sure."

Next moment the door swung open again and the Weasley twins came in. "Have any of you guys seen our 'Mom– Bombs'?" (A/N: I'm only using the American spelling for it to rhyme)

Everyone shook his or her head. They did not know what Mom-Bombs were exactly, and each student had their own wild idea of them.

"I hope you're not planning to abuse the parent guests," Hermione inferred.

"Na, we won't abuse them - freak them out a bit, maybe…."

"Us? Never! Whatever gave you that idea, Hermione?"

The twins caught the very serious look on her face, and decided they'd better get going. 

"Umm…..we..we'll see you all later…." George stammered.

They were just about to leave when they sort of collided with someone else who was trying to come in. It was Neville. He unintentionally forced the twins back into the room with the unimpressed Hermione and the moody cat. 

Neville slunk against the wall and half said, half mumbled, "Can I hang around with you guys? My granny can't come." He cast his eyes downwards. 

"Why not, Neville?"

"Well, she's organizing insurance on her house from an accident." Neville said.

"Really?"

"How'd it happen?"

"A parcel," Neville shifted his weight uncomfortably.

"And…." Everyone seemed to be interested in poor Neville's tale.

"It was an instant chandelier lighter…for her dining room. It automatically set off when she opened it…"

"What nut would send an instant chandelier lighter in a parcel?"

Neville said nothing. 

"What's all the talk about?" Lavendar emerged from the bathroom, buttoning her blouse, not looking up.

She looked up.

"I THOUGHT THIS WAS A GIRL'S DORMITORY!" she screeched while clutching the remaining open space revealed by lack of blouse. "I'm TRYING to get dressed in here! Out! Out!" she shooed all five guys out the doorway. "I thought you people were outside the door!"

Hermione gave Lavendar an apologetic look, and followed the boys out. 

*~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~*

For breakfast, all the students were to gather in the Great Hall (A/Nmagically enlarged for guest service purposes) with their parents, dressed casually. As Harry and his friends were lining up to go in and meet with their families, who should pass them by but Malfoy, dressed in a tuxedo that seriously made him look like a vampire. He closed in on Harry and muttered, "I see you haven't brought that fat lump of lumpy fat known as your cousin." Thinking he was insulting Harry, Draco smirked, and with that, made his smooth way through the crowd. 

Harry found it quite amusing that Malfoy thought he had done his job, when he was only insulting Dudley, one of those people who fell into Harry's not-so-important group along with Malfoy. Actually, Harry thought over the insult, and decided to use it for future references when faced with the scary sight of Dudley. 

**Author's Note: **Look out for the next chapter, due to be written by Evil Temptress! 

Don't forget to review!


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